Sunday, April 26, 2009

42

Last Friday I found myself wide awake at midnight, and the rest of my floor was already asleep. I decided that since it was such a nice night out that I'd go for a walk and maybe look at the stars. So I went outside and started to walk and right away I cam e to my first conclusion of the night; light pollution sucks. I mean I'm in Morris; it's not anywhere close to being a big city. Hell if it wasn't for the college I would barely consider it a town. Despite how small Morris is I could not see a single star until I walked for about 10 minutes.

When I did finally reach a spot where there was a decently dark sky I came to conclusion number 2; it was cloudy. Cursing my bad luck I was debating whether to leave or not. I decided that, though there was nay stars that you could see, I would lie down out on the grass and contemplate: life, the universe, and everything really. (10 bonus points if you catch the reference additional hint is in the title)

Lying in the cool grass with a slight breeze blowing I started to ponder. I eventually came to the third conclusion of my night. I have no clue what I’m going to do with my life after college. Ever since I can remember college has been the goal of my life, but now that I’m here what do I do after college?

When I used to go out for the night in high school my parents would ask me where I was going, who I was going with and when I’d be back. Why on Earth did they let me out of the house for college?! I don’t know the answers to any of those questions…

Conclusion 3 was quickly followed by number 4. I am an adult now; I have to make those decisions for myself. Not necessarily by myself because I can ask others for help and their opinions, but the large majority of the decision making process falls on me now.

Conclusions 3 and 4 combined to yield conclusion 5: I am SCREWED.

After conclusion 5 I decided that rather than just make conclusions about my life I’d start asking questions. So I prayed, asking God to show me what I was supposed to be doing with my life. After countless repetitions of the same questions with slightly different wordings, I reached conclusion number 6: either I already knew the way I should take, or I wasn’t supposed to know.

When it came to something that was a matter of right versus wrong, I already knew that right is the choice to make. The problem here isn’t ignorance; it’s lack of strength.

When it comes to unknown versus unknown the problems start popping up. But God basically smacked me upside the head and told me “you don’t need to know that,” and reflecting on this I saw wisdom in it. If for example, I knew who I was supposed to end up marrying, would I actually get to enjoy the experience of dating her? Would it even be possible for me to end up marrying her if I knew it was destined? Would my knowledge of what was meant to be screw it up so that I wouldn’t be able to marry her?

After conclusion 6 I got quite chilled because the temperature was dropping and the wind was picking up slightly. I began thinking about leaving, but I decided to stay for a while longer. I remembered a Bible story about Elijah hiding in a mountain and waiting for God to give him a sign. So I started listening to the wind, hoping to hear some message from God. After a while I gave up and being cold decided to go back to my dorm.

As I was walking back I was still thinking about the Bible story. Realizing that I was no Elijah and God probably wasn’t going to whisper into my ear anytime soon. Right about then a single raindrop hit me in the face. Instantly I became aware that God was present. It was awesome.

I had an inexplicable moment of joy and then the song Healing Rain popped into my head. In the music video for healing rain it was a veritable downpour, but for me just the small drizzle, that followed after the one drop hit me, was enough.

I arrived back at the dorm and was almost sad to go back indoors. Sure, my legs were cold to the touch and rapidly losing feeling, but I didn’t want to go. Eventually however, the cold won out and I went back to my floor. I sat in the TV lounge next to the heater and stared out the window still with the inexplicable happiness inside me. I started to nod off and finally got up and went to bed.

Right about then conclusion 7 occurred to me: God rocks. He’s awesome.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Wow... It's been a while...

A lot has changed since the last time I posted a blog. I'm in college now, and have almost finished my freshman year. All throughout my senior year in high school Anna and I were together for the most part. We did break up an absurd number of times though and the last on was quite final. I realized eventually that all the fighting was just not enjoyable. We just didn't work out together and neither one really wanted to admit it. But enough of that time for more profound life altering musings.

I’ve lost a lot of what used to be my friends since my senior year. I knew it was going to happen and was ready for it. What surprised me was not the number lost, but rather who was lost. A lot of the people who I considered my best friends a year ago I don’t even talk to anymore. Yet, the ones who I can say are my true friends were the ones I didn’t expect.

Three in particular spring to mind, but there are others. Two of them are away in Europe at the moment. (Although I think they may actually be home now that I come to think about it…) These two managed bolster their friendship over a single weekend when I came back to the cities and, on a whim, went to hangout. I had such a great time and wondered why the hell I didn’t do that more when I was in the same school as them. On reflection I guess the clich├ęd saying about having to loose something before knowing its true value is a saying for a reason.

The other person is one who I talked to almost daily but never thought anything about it. He is probably the least likely of my friends to carry over, but he is. He was on the football team with me and his locker was near mine, but that was about it. We never really hung out outside of the occasional school sporting event. I actually remember him signing my yearbook, not because it was long and heartfelt, but rather because it was so horribly generic and short. Now that we’re in college, we’ve hung out just about every time I was back in the cities.

When I came to college, I have to admit, I was scared. I knew all of three people, and had no clue where anything was. Luckily for me, my floor kicks ass. I am friends with close to all of them and good friends with about half of them. I am going to miss them all next year when I’m living in an apartment… :-/